Love Coaching: Neither One of You is Perfect

Love coaching for a better relationship! It’s an easy thing in relationships to get carried away by the imperfections of your lover. It doesn’t take a lot of skill to point out to your partner what she does wrong and to imagine that the true fault in your love life has much more to do with her than yourself. Love and relationship coaching is about looking at yourself, asking yourself what things you can do to improve your partnership or marriage, and better appreciating how your partner loves you.

One of the things we focus on in love coaching is communication. A key for improved communication is empathy, better understanding your partner’s point of view. People naturally want to express what they do, what they want, what they think. This is well and good, but when it comes to closeness, it’s far more important to put energy into what your partner feels, needs, and wants. This is not to say that your needs are unimportant, rather that the most powerful way for you to get your needs met is to make sure you understand where your partner is coming from. As you better understand her, you make it far more likely that she will want to reciprocate to help meet your needs.

A client recently and expressed frustration that his wife felt unheard and unimportant to him, she told him she felt very little hope that he would ever change. When I asked what his response was to her complaints about him, he said he tried to explain that she was very important to him and that he did listen to her. He went on to say how she then became angry with him. I explained to him that his response was very natural, that he was in the best way he knew trying to reassure her. Then I suggested to him that it was the worst thing he could do and that he made a difficult situation worse. In amazement he asked how that could be so. I told him that basically he had called his wife a liar. In shock he asked “what?” I told him that what he needed to do was appreciate her better by recognizing what she said and acknowledging the truth of her feelings. His response to me was, “but she was wrong!” That idea is what was getting my client in hot water. He sees himself as attentive and as a good listener, but he’s ignoring that she “feels” unimportant and unheard. The fact of whether she’s important to him is not the issue. The moment he defends himself he is in fact telling her that her feelings are wrong. The result is likely to be a fight, tears, blame, withdrawal, and frustration. I gave my client a love coaching homework assignment: “Go home, tell your wife you haven’t been really listening, that you haven’t acknowledged her feelings, that you’re truly sorry, and that as of today you’re going to practice being more attentive.”

Fortunately this client really loves his wife, but he didn’t realize that he was focusing on her imperfections rather than the things she does right. He realized that he was behaving as if his words and actions were truly perfect and all that needed to happen was she needed to listen to him. In the coming weeks, with a bit more tweaking and love coaching, he’s highly likely to become a much better listener. Marriage and family counseling can really help couples. For a marriage counselor, give us a call at 512-653-4316.

Transform Your Life Create New Beliefs After Being Violated

I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ~ Susanna Kaysen, Girl Interrupted

You were violated
and then blamed yourself and others. You’ve lived with shame, confusion, fear and guilt. You felt powerless and may not have understood the experience. The uncertainty and self loathing has clung to you and you have become your own worst critic. You feel depressed, angry, defeated and inadequate.

Given your experience
it makes sense that your life is as it is and that you feel as you do. Self forgiveness, the first step in your transformation, is the realization that you aren’t to blame for your experience and that you’re right to feel angry. It is a realization of both the appropriateness of your emotions and of the necessity to move on. The next step is forgiveness of those who wronged you; not for their sake but for your own peace. It’s time to release the torment and anguish of your heart. Your past is over; it’s time to embrace a new reality. People are often ignorant of how to live in harmony with others, and their actions cause others great pain. Most often those who hurt you were, in turn, hurt by others in an endless chain and always in ignorance. Decide to break the chain rather than perpetuate thoughts of fear and victimization. Forgiveness is the antidote to hatred and self loathing. Today, replace your shame and anger with wisdom and open your heart to the peace that is you birthright.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
The Transformation of Violation © 2007

Luke 6:37

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

The Freedom of Choice

Freedom lies in being bold. ~ Robert Frost

As children
we weren’t able to understand life. Whether it was good or bad, disciplined or chaotic, many of us came to feel trapped and to see life as a conspiracy against us. Now, it doesn’t matter whether we fight, run away or give in; we can’t seem to change things. Others appear to have the luxury of freedom, but it eludes us. Controlling partners, unfulfilling work and inadequate income are among the burdens that overwhelm our sense of freedom.

You’ve imagined your confinement;
you’re free. The pain that you feel is your resistance to a life of your own making. Fighting or pleading doesn’t work because you’ve misidentified your jailer. Your prison is your own mind. Discard the lenses through which you see your life and realize that you’ve created your experience. Freedom is the fact that you can decide what to do with your life. You’re free. Create the joyful life that is your destiny. Be bold today, you deserve it!
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
The Freedom to Choose © 2007

John 8:32

You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

What is True Personal Power?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . ~ Marianne Williamson

True power
isn’t a one way street; it isn’t about mastering or defeating another. That is self-aggrandizement or hatred. When we attempt to enforce our will on others we breed distrust, fear, and antagonism both within ourselves and others. The need to dominate others is indicative of a feeling of lack within oneself and attests to one’s sense of weakness rather than power.

True Power seeks
responsibility rather than control because otherwise it degenerates into self-gratification. It encourages and works in cooperation with others. Real power is open, seeks understanding and is willing to yield. This is because one who is aware of his power knows that he has much to give and is not run by fear.

Love has no fear
and does not attack but understands and forgives; this is power. Ego, on the other hand, is run by fear and selfishness. We move beyond fear to power by nurturing the abundance of our being as we give freely to others. As we do this, we come to realize our beauty and majesty. The source of my power is the light within my being that is in all people. And power is the shining of that light on the world.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin
What is True Power? © 2007

Matthew 5:14
(NIV)
“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.”

Let’s Talk About God

How important the concept of God is, and how instead of valuing what has been given us, we with light hearts spurn it because of absurdities that have been attached to it. ~ Leo Tolstoy, Last Diaries, 1960

Few words
create more passion and have been more misunderstood and abused than “God.” I sometimes ask clients whether they believe in God. One of the most frequent answers goes something like this: “I don’t believe what is taught in churches today, but I do believe in a spirit within me. Yes, I do believe in God.” For those of you who feel cautious talking about God, I encourage you to open your heart. I’m not suggesting that you should change your beliefs, but that you drop your judgment and your fear of judgment. Certainly some people differ with you in their beliefs, but consider that others will have a great deal in common with you. Maybe God’s worth coming out of the closet and talking about? Following are quotes concerning God which I have found enlightening.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Let’s Talk About God © 2005

Knowing God

It is easy to understand God as long as you don’t try to explain him. ~ Joseph Joubert
But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~ Vincent van Gogh, Dear Theo: An Autobiography of Vincent van Gogh, 1937

God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand. If you understand, you have failed. ~ Saint Augustine

Some people talk about finding God – as if He could get lost. ~ Author Unknown

“What do you think of God,” the teacher asked. After a pause, the young pupil replied, “He’s not a think, he’s a feel.” ~ Paul Frost

What is God?

God is love. ~ 1 John 4:16

God is not the name of God, but an opinion about Him. ~ Pope Xystus I, The Ring

We need not join the mad rush to purchase an earthly fallout shelter. God is our eternal fallout shelter. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

All are but parts of one stupendous whole, Whose body Nature is, and God the soul. ~ Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, 1734

“I was six when I saw that everything was God, and my hair stood up, and all,” Teddy said. “It was on a Sunday, I remember. My sister was a tiny child then, and she was drinking her milk, and all of a sudden I saw that she was God and the milk was God. I mean, all she was doing was pouring God into God, if you know what I mean. ~ J.D. Salinger, “Teddy,” 1954

God is like the ocean, we’re like the waves. ~ Author Unknown
Chance is perhaps the pseudonym of God when he did not want to sign. ~ Anatole France, Le jardin d’Epicure

Experience of God

I had a thousand questions to ask God; but when I met him they all fled and didn’t seem to matter. ~ Christopher Morley, Inward Ho!, 1923

When the solution is simple, God is answering. ~ Albert Einstein

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. ~ Susan B. Anthony

I had no idea what it would be like to meet God. Then one day my life flashed before my eyes, and there he was. In every experience, “good” and “bad,” there he was. I laughed then for the longest time as I saw how silly it was of me to ever have been scared. ~ David Cantu

People and God

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much. ~ Mother Teresa

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right, then, have it your way.” ~ C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, 1943

I’ve been hiding from God, and I’m appalled to find how easy it is. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message. ~ Malcolm Muggeridge

God tells me all kinds of things, usually between 4 and 7 a.m. ~ David Cantu

For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet … Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long? ~ Rebecca Harding Davis

Most people wish to serve God – but only in an advisory capacity. ~ Author Unknown

What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God. ~ Eleanor Powell

God enters by a private door into each individual. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Believing in God

I could not say I believe. I know! I have had the experience of being gripped by something that is stronger than myself, something that people call God. ~ Carl Jung

I do not believe in God, for that implies an effort of the will – I see God everywhere! ~ Jean Favre

I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker. ~ Voltaire