You are here: Home / Archives for Articles / Personal Growth

Emotional Maturity

December 16, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

I got an email from a client recently in which she described herself as emotionally immature. She’s a very warm person, hard-working, and intelligent, but I asked myself, “Is she immature?” The simple answer is yes, she is, but aren’t we all emotionally immature in our own ways?

It’s helpful to think of emotional maturity as residual. We are each as emotionally mature as our experience, actions, and beliefs have led us to be. A good analogy for this idea is physical health. If you do sit-ups regularly you’re likely to have strong abs; your physical strength is based on your past actions. In other words, in the present moment we have no direct control over our emotions.

The point about my client is that her awareness of emotional immaturity is very beneficial to her and can lead her to make changes to live a more fulfilled life and better relationships. Her past is certainly affecting her current outcomes, but it doesn’t need to define her future. Merely saying she want to change isn’t sufficient either, she needs to take action which will help her increase her emotional maturity.

What kind of action might she take? A good starting point is awareness of her emotions. We are all emotional creatures and quite often our emotions dominate us. In order to change this we need first to pay attention to our feelings and realize that just because we feel a certain way doesn’t mean that we’re judging a situation, or event accurately. With practice we can better manage emotions so they don’t swamp or dominate us. We can also take charge of our thoughts. A strong emotional experience often leads to repetitive thinking that doesn’t lead to real change. This repetitive thinking is more likely to increase our emotional turbulence. Once we realize this, we can begin practicing putting a stop to such thinking and instead learning to focus out attention on whatever it is we are doing in the moment.

Filed Under: Articles, Emotion, Personal Growth

Learn to Say Yes to the Adventure of Life – Be the Hero

October 8, 2009 By admin

The big question is whether you’re going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure…the adventure of the hero – the adventure of being alive. ~ Joseph Campbell

Why is saying “no,” even to those we love best, so easy to do? Why is saying “yes” so difficult? The questions:Man Angry Look “What about me, what about what I want?” appear to be embedded deeply within us, even in the best of people. When we’re asked, “Will you do me a favor?” the response quite often is some variation of, “It depends on the favor, what do you want?” It’s as if we’re afraid that by saying “yes,” we may lose something or that the cost will be too much for us to bear. Maybe we fear committing to something we really may not want to do; so, “it depends,” gives us the leeway, or time, to come up with an excuse to back out – just in case.

Is anything wrong with that thinking? Many teachings and sayings of cultures and religions are in apparent opposition to that notion. Examples include biblical quotes such as “Give and it will be given to you,” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Despite these teachings, we frequently don’t operate that way. We apparently live in the time of me; perhaps this is how people have always behaved.
Certainly, many people take the idea of saying “yes” too far – people-pleasers. That’s an extreme. I’m talking about the rest of us.

Woman MaybeI see two problems with hedging, with saying anything other than “yes.” The first appears minor; When we say “maybe,” we give the other person the message that “no” is a possibility. But, unless you’re dealing with a bully or someone out of touch with reality, the person is already aware that “no” is a possibility. Saying “maybe,” only underscores the fact. Saying “yes,” on the other hand, encourages and strengthens the relationship with that person. You are, in effect, saying: “You’re important to me and I’m confirming this by saying ‘yes’ without any need of explanation from you. Just tell me what you want.”

The second problem with hedging is that it’s protective where protection is unnecessary. When you say “yes,” you’re saying to yourself and to the other person, “I’m not afraid; I can take care of myself. Happy PeopleI’ll give you what you want because I have confidence in myself that I have it to give and I’m willing to give it. It truly won’t cost me. If you ask something I can’t give or choose not to give, I’ll tell you and perhaps help you in some other way.” In other words, saying “yes” empowers you and builds confidence in yourself that you’re abundant and responsible.

Say “yes” today; you’ll be stronger for it; you’ll be the hero of your life.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin, Texas
Learn to Say Yes to the Adventure of Life – be the Hero – Article © 2009

Filed Under: Articles, Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Change the World – Change Yourself & Live Your Dreams

June 28, 2009 By admin

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. ~ Robert Frost

Every now and then,Galaxy someone writes a book, prophesies a future, or reveals a truth of nature with startling insight and pristine clarity – books such as “To Kill a Mockingbird,” the prophets Moses or Edgar Casey, the revelations of atomic theory, forgiveness, relativity, or the unity of life and the universe. In a rush to maintain our notion of reality, we frequently vilify the messenger; later, people see the truth of the message and … the world changes.

The point isn’t about changing the world; it’s about changing ourselves. In “Selections from the Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna,” author Andrew Harvey says, “We are all heading into a whirlwind of catastrophe, war, heartbreak on the one hand, and, on the other, of unprecedented opportunities for real transformation, on a massive, world-altering scale.” Isn’t that what humanityEarth has been experiencing for millions of years? We will continually face war, pestilence, and destruction on the one hand, and, on the other, the possibility of peace and transformation. That’s not news; it’s reality; and it’s not going to stop happening – ever! It’s change and evolution. We make a mess of life and then make it worse, or we learn and then make it better. Life happens and we screw up, or not; and then it happens again; each time we’re on the threshold of heroism, villainy, or cowardice. We have choices to make.

The point isn’t what happens on the world stage; the point is, “what are you, personally, doing with your life?” The real message of the great men and women of history is not so much what they discovered, but the lives they led that opened their hearts and minds to those secrets. We each have within us that same spark of eternal wisdom patiently waiting to be ignited. Yes, life can be cruel and merciless; but it is also nurturing, benign, and lavish.Warrior Woman In “War of Art,” Steven Pressfield presents us with “a rogue’s gallery of” evils lurking within each of our minds to sabotage our every attempt to take life by storm the moment we take a single step in that direction. His word for these evils is “resistance.” The endless list includes resistance of addiction, procrastination, drama, and self-doubt. The truth is you can overcome them; but to do so you must be the warrior – vigilant, diligent, and bold. Then, and only then, do you taste the sweet nectar of the life of the hero. You will make dozens of choices today. Each one will serve either your passion, the life you were meant to live, or fear.

What are your dreams? Are you living them? Do you want to be the singer in the band, run a marathon, own a bed and breakfast, take a year-long trip around the world, have six-pack abs, or be an interior designer? It doesn’t have to be an opus to change the world, but it has to be your opus.Man Running You have to work hard at it, that’s what it means to be the warrior. Are you telling yourself a story right now about how this is a nice idea, very poetic, but not reality? That’s Resistance! Fight it! That’s what the lives of Christ, the Buddha, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and Aristotle were about. Daily, they fought the evil in their minds and, more importantly, they defeated it. They were authentic, they were true to themselves, and they were warriors. Take the road less traveled, live your opus, be the warrior.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin, Texas
Change the World – Change Yourself & Live Your Dreams – Article © 2009

Bhagavad-Gita (from chapter 2)
Hell has three doors: lust, rage, and greed. These lead to man’s ruin. Therefore he must avoid them all. He who passes by these three dark doors has achieved his own salvation. He will reach the highest goal at last.

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Seek the Truth: Aim for Destiny

June 10, 2009 By admin

… striving to find meaning in one’s life is the primary motivational force in man. ~ Victor Frankl

We all constantly dealEye Info Overload with an abundance of information, both external and internal. We hear and feel the voices of purpose, anger, sorrow, motivation, greed, joy, fear, hunger, illness, health, intuition, sex – and these are intermingled with a second cacophony of friends’ suggestions, the force and taste of nature, the requests of loved ones, the demands of work, the internet, the pressures of society, an endless profusion of influences clamoring for our attention.

Each voice wants to be heard and acted upon, and it is most important that you find a means to effectively distill and wisely select those that are most helpful and in alignment with your spirit. To do this requires one fundamental decision: to identify and name that which you choose to live by. This may be a single word or a mantra. It may be love, joy, I am a child of God, I am true to myself, I am peacefulness, or I live in harmony with life.

Our minds are often an incessant stream of useless clutter that feeds on itself and creates even more clutter. I call it clutter because the “thinking” we do doesn’t serve any meaningful purpose; it doesn’t help us, but in fact sets us back. We think about things that once happened and over which we have no control. We also daydream about a life that has no basis in reality. I’m not suggesting that dealing with the past or setting goals is useless, I’m referring to the uselessness of going over things in our minds with no true goal. Stop doing this by learning to be present.

Learn to focus on the reality of the present moment:

  • Focus your attention on your breath. A problem with many of the things we “see,” is that we have preconceived ideas of them. Breathing is something we’re likely to be neutral about.
  • Hear the actual words that are being spoken. We generally interpret what others say because of expectations and their emotions. We can however learn to focus only on their words.
  • Respond to events with peacefulness. Even though you may feel a certain way about events, you can learn not to respond emotionally but with curiosity. Curiosity can help you see things as they really are.

Practicing these simple ideas will help quiet your mind. As you do so you will find yourself increasingly in harmony with people and experiences. This in turn brings you in alignment with your spirit and your true destiny.

Today, right now, seek and name your destiny. Use this simple and powerful action to serve as a guide to inform all your choices. It doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes; it isn’t a panacea but a beginning in taking charge of and finding meaning in your life. It is a clear identification of who you aim to be.

David Cantu

Life Coach Austin Texas

Seek the Truth: Aim for Destiny © 2009

Matthew 7:7

Seek and you will find…

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Clarity in Your Life!

February 24, 2009 By admin

Everyone sees the unseen in proportion to the clarity of his heart, and that depends upon how much he has polished it. ~ Rumi

Be clear in speech. Clear speech and sincere listening are as essential to one another as giving is to receiving; without one the circuit is broken and what remains is potential rather than realization. Together they lead to connection and understanding. Don’t assume that you are misunderstood because of other people’s shortcomings. Instead, make yourself a model of conscious listening. The result will be clarity of speech, which is truth.

Be clear in thought. Lack of clear thought feeds unconscious fears and leads to darkness. Guard your thoughts well and practice quieting your mind. A quiet mind is a focused mind. You can achieve this by immersing yourself in those things which deeply engage your mind, your heart and your physical being. They include creativity, love, beauty, prayer, gratitude, contemplation and physical and spiritual activity. Your thoughts, conscious and unconscious, are your tools of manifestation. Clarity of thought leads to fearlessness and wisdom.

Be clear in your heart. Your ego suggests you’re awesome or pathetic but it’s important that you seek the truth. Assess your life honestly and acknowledge both your strengths and shortcomings. Practice self acceptance and resolve to overcome your weaknesses. From love of self comes a desire to live in helpfulness, compassion, and understanding of others. The fruit of love is joy.

Be clear in action. Dreams are beautiful and can inspire but are empty without action. To fulfill your destiny take conscious action now.

Be clear in prayer. Ask not that the world may be healed; ask instead for courage that you may help heal the world through your own transformation.

Be clear in intent. Decide to live in alignment with your highest self. Regardless what you do, your destiny is a joyful life. A conscious and ongoing focus on peace and truth helps make it a reality. Integrity: an alignment of speech, heart, mind, action and spirit makes you a beacon of light and hope in the world.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Clarity in Your Life © 2003

2 Corinthians 4:18
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Choose Integrity Now!

September 27, 2008 By admin

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~ Albert Camus

Integrity is often defined in moral terms but we can also think of it as wholeness or oneness. In this sense, a person of integrity is one in his entire being: his thoughts, emotions, speech, actions and spirit are all in alignment.

Many of our struggles in life are seemingly a result of external circumstances and relationships. Regardless of the source, a confused response to hardship, a lack of internal unity, will almost certainly make matters worse. Saying one thing but thinking differently or feeling one way but behaving opposite is difficult for us and integrity at these times can appear daunting and impossible. However, the uncertainty and pain are much worse. What keeps us stuck is the familiarity of the feeling. Despite the pain it’s often more comfortable to remain with that which we recognize than to face the unknown.

You’ve lived there too long! We all have. The fear of change is only an illusion. Choose integrity today, be one within yourself. This way lies freedom and joy.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Choose Integrity Now © 2008

Tao Te Ching (from chapter 42)
Ordinary men hate solitude.
But the master makes use of it,
embracing his aloneness, realizing
he is one with the whole universe.

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Time Is in Your Mind There’s Only Now

May 26, 2008 By admin

The distinction between past, present and future is only an illusion, however persistent. ~ Einstein

Time is a measure of change. It is like many wonderful inventions that help us better communicate and interact with each other. Law, government, money, space, time and countless other ideas can be useful in making sense of the world, our relationships with each other and life. Time is a man-made idea. It has no intrinsic existence – in reality, time does not exist – only the present moment is real.

The past, like the future, exists only in our minds. It certainly does one good to study history and to review one’s past but only as an aid to experience peace now. Instead, our egos endlessly recreate perceived wrongs by others and our own failures and shortcomings. We imagine moments long dead and thereby imprison ourselves in anguish. In the same way, it can be useful to plan for the future, set goals and focus one’s energy on manifesting a joyful life. Rather, we drown in fearful and egotistical illusions of futures unreal but in our minds. We abuse life by fashioning times that are not real.

Only in this moment do you have the opportunity to seek the truth, experience reality, take heroic action, find love and know God. No other time exists.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Time Is in Your Mind There’s Only Now © 2008

The Talmud
Who forces time is pushed back by time; who yields to time finds time on his side.

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Transformation of Violation

July 14, 2007 By admin

I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ~ Susanna Kaysen, Girl Interrupted

You were violated and then blamed yourself and others. You’ve lived with shame, confusion, fear and guilt. You felt powerless and may not have understood the experience. The uncertainty and self loathing has clung to you and you have become your own worst critic. You feel depressed, angry, defeated and inadequate.

Given your experience it makes sense that your life is as it is and that you feel as you do. Self forgiveness, the first step in your transformation, is the realization that you aren’t to blame for your experience and that you’re right to feel angry. It is a realization of both the appropriateness of your emotions and of the necessity to move on. The next step is forgiveness of those who wronged you; not for their sake but for your own peace. It’s time to release the torment and anguish of your heart. Your past is over; it’s time to embrace a new reality. People are often ignorant of how to live in harmony with others, and their actions cause others great pain. Most often those who hurt you were, in turn, hurt by others in an endless chain and always in ignorance. Decide to break the chain rather than perpetuate thoughts of fear and victimization. Forgiveness is the antidote to hatred and self loathing. Today, replace your shame and anger with wisdom and open your heart to the peace that is you birthright.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
The Transformation of Violation © 2007

Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Filed Under: Personal Growth, Spirituality Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The Illusion of Danger

May 5, 2007 By admin

The most dangerous thing is illusion. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rarely in life are we truly in danger. Nevertheless, feelings of anxiety, stress, self doubt, loss and fear frequently intrude in life. Thoughts of danger lurking around corners are a learned response that has calcified into habit. When you were small the world looked big and scary. It may even have been truly unsafe and dangerous for you. But that’s over; the threat of attack that you are now dealing with is in your mind. The evil you dread is your ego’s fear – of being small, oppressed, discounted and over burdened. Your fear is based on the illusion that you’re weak. The truth is that you’re powerful; you need only to realize that truth. Embrace courage and passion. Put your thoughts and energy into these things and the danger will surely vanish – it was never real.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin
The Illusion of Danger © 2007

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Trust Yourself to Trust Others

April 9, 2007 By admin

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. ~ Frank Crane

Trust has more to do with self confidence than with the behavior of others. We generally know what to expect from the people in our lives, so how they behave isn’t the real issue. The point we often ignore is that our fear to love, to forgive or to act assertively in life is a much bigger problem than what others might do to us. Rather than focusing on the shortcomings of others it’s far more valuable to develop strength of character within ourselves. To move from an attitude of mistrust to one of confidence you must know who you are: the one who creates and is responsible for your life. The more you genuinely accept responsibility for your life, without guilt, shame or self punishment, the more you will trust yourself. You will then be free to trust others because you will have confidence in yourself to make wise choices and to handle the vicissitudes of life.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Trust Yourself to Trust Others © 2007

Tao Te Ching (from chapter 33)
Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.

Filed Under: Personal Growth, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Why Do We Get Angry?

March 31, 2007 By admin

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~ Thomas à Kempis

What do you really want? Far too often our vision is short sighted and our need for instant gratification so great that we don’t accomplish what we seek; so we get angry.Man Upset Anger’s many colors include frustration, a need to withdraw and self loathing. Regardless of how we express it, or whether it’s just or inappropriate, anger is a fleeting and ineffective antidote to feelings of powerlessness to get what we want. Its false promise of power is very seductive. We get angry in order to relieve the helplessness that we feel – and for a little while we may succeed – but in fact, anger forfeits power. We put whomever or whatever we’re angry with in the driver’s seat of our emotions and lives.

Know you can succeed. Getting angry focuses attention on your feelings of powerlessness rather than on your goal. Attend to your real desire; obstacles are certain to arise, but the biggest hurdle is your own will to overcome them and to see your goal to fruition. How much do you really want to manifest your desire? Transform the energy of your anger and wield it as passion and determination. Be the person you were meant to be and nothing will be impossible for you!
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Why Do We Get Angry? © 2007

Proverbs 16:32 (NASB)
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

Filed Under: Emotion, Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

I Create My Life!

March 31, 2007 By admin

Life is not holding a good hand; life is playing a poor hand well. ~ Unknown Author

Many people understand at an intellectual level that we’re each responsible for our own happiness. Yet we frequently blame others or attribute the sadness, anger and pain in our lives to outside circumstances. Until we really get it that those two ideas are fundamentally contradictory it’s impossible for us to live a fully joyful and loving life; holding even the tiniest part of blame in our hearts renders us powerless to create what we ultimately want. If I hold anyone or anything other than myself responsible for the feelings or facts of my life, I surrender my power to that person or thing. We don’t create everything that happens to us, but in order to find true peace in life we must take responsibility for all of it. Otherwise, when we experience pain, failure or hardship, it’s much too easy for our egos to make excuses that keep us fearful and small. True responsibility says “I create every aspect of my life by my actions and reactions.” This is the narrow path of truth that leads to enlightenment.
David Cantu
Life Coach Austin
I Create My Life © 2006

Luke 6:37-38 (NIV)
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you ….”

Filed Under: Personal Growth Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,