People tend to respond to what others say with their own thoughts. This is a natural part of the ebb and flow of conversation. However, it often means they aren’t listening.

Even though we all “know” how to listen we often do a poor job of it. True listening takes effort and practice. How will you know you aren’t listening?

1. The other person keeps repeating herself.
2. You keep repeating yourself.
3. You’re angry.
4. You’re thinking what to say next.
5. You’re arguing.
6. You’re convinced the other person is a moron.
7. You’re being defensive.
8. The other person says you aren’t listening!

To be a good listener take the following steps:

1. Be curious and ask questions.
2. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
3. Look for ways to acknowledge how he’s right.
4. Don’t become defensive.
5. When you disagree, state your point directly without criticism.
6. Avoid “facts” which are irrelevant to the discussion.
7. Remain calm, remember the other person is merely expressing ideas.
8. Make it a priority for her to feel understood.