How to Create a Good Relationship

David CantuArticles, Relationships

To create love: be true to yourself; know yourself and listen to what your partner is really saying; choose someone you’re attracted to, someone who fits you; know your role in the relationship; make a firm commitment and love actively.

Chemistry

It helps to be “into each other.” Ask yourself: is this person someone you really want to spend your time with; is he truly interested in you for who you are? If he takes you for granted now, he’ll use and discard you. In addition, sustaining a relationship because “he’s such a good person” can be a formula for heartache for both of you. Lack of chemistry may lead to ambivalence and this is poison for a relationship. On the other hand, chemistry is a poor foundation for a long-term relationship; it’s great to have but it’s only a start. The infatuation will end. Don’t commit yourself to a relationship without the following six ingredients.

Compatibility

Compatibility is a simple requirement that we often ignore because we think love will solve our problems. It won’t. Are you on the same page? You must know the requirements you aren’t willing to compromise in a relationship; and then you’ve got to make sure your partner agrees with you. Hoping that he’ll change his mind later on is unrealistic; it’s not likely to happen. Issues you need to resolve early in a relationship include finances, children, marriage and spirituality.

Communication

Do you really know how to listen? Listening is not a passive endeavor, it requires an active desire to know what others want to say and mean. Is your partner more emotional or more thoughtful? Knowing how to honor a person’s feelings and to respect someone’s thoughts is an important aspect of communication. Do you know how to get your point across without blaming or humiliating your partner? Speaking respectfully and honestly is as crucial as listening. Equally important, does your partner communicate well?

Authenticity

Do you know who you are, how you feel and what you want? Unless you’re willing to stand up for yourself, you can’t create a good relationship. If you’re a people pleaser, if you deny your feelings until you explode or if you repeatedly sabotage relationships, you aren’t being authentic. Authenticity is speaking the truth about yourself. It requires that you love yourself enough to say yes or no and mean it. If you’re authentic, you recognize and acknowledge your shortcomings. Only by seeing yourself honestly can you see your partner honestly. Lack of authenticity makes relationships roller-coasters of deception and emotion.

Identity in the Relationship

Along with authenticity, identity in the relationship is a crucial marriage and courtship ingredient that’s often overlooked. Who is masculine and who is feminine in the relationship? Who thinks or feels more? It doesn’t work to assume answers to these questions. Most couples still want the man to lead and the woman to follow. However, we live in an age which acknowledges women’s leadership and men’s emotions. Knowing which role is true for both you and your partner will help you avoid power struggles. Sharing the role of leadership seldom works; a primary leader is needed in love. But, leadership does not mean dominance. Power is shared and each partner must understand the source of his or her power. Masculine power is different from feminine power.

Commitment

Without commitment no relationship exists. The single biggest cause of failed relationships is not money, chemistry, compatibility or even communication; it’s ambivalence – a lack of commitment. Commitment is a testament of love.

Love

Love is the essential ingredient of a good relationship. A partial definition of love is the feeling that one has for another. A more complete definition includes one’s treatment of another; love respects, honors, cherishes, forgives and is compassionate. Unless you actively love, the feelings you have are irrelevant. It’s important that your partner love you also, but look first at your own actions.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
How to Create a Good Relationship © 2007

Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What is Marriage All About – Dangerous Ambivalence or Joyful Commitment?

David CantuRelationships

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. ~ Joseph Barth

Marriage brings great rewards
of loving intimacy and heart-wrenching emotional turbulence. We frequently cope with this apparent conflict with ambivalence, which makes true joy in marriage impossible. Concerning love, you cannot be of two minds and yet hope to experience her riches. Time and again we discard commitment in marriage before we’ve unearthed its great treasures of self awareness and humility. We opt for divorce as a means of dealing with the pain. Yes, there is a time to let go and a time to remain. But know that emotional pain is not the problem; it’s the symptom. It’s a call for healing, growth and understanding. Make a commitment to oneness and you create the possibility of experiencing true love. You can move beyond the doubt and hesitation by looking honestly into your heart. As you deal with your own fears and failures you will see your partner with greater clarity and compassion. This is the path of surrender and vulnerability that leads to joy in marriage or letting go in peace. Your commitment to love lights the way past suffering to wisdom. We are all connected in love and marriage is our best chance to manifest that truth.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Marriage – Dangerous Ambivalence or Joyful Commitment? © 2007

1 Timothy 1:5

…love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

Embrace the Power of Surrender

David CantuLove

The greatness of a man’s power is the measure of his surrender. ~ William Booth

Concerning relationships
, surrender does not mean giving up or defeat but a commitment to love. To yield is not always a sign of weakness – it can be an indication of great strength and wisdom. This is because a fearless refusal to fight rests in the awareness that hostility is a formula for pain and suffering. Regardless who wins in a war everybody loses.

Most of the fights
we experience are with friends and family. Confident surrender – especially in these situations – says I love you and I refuse to fight or hurt you. It also says I refuse to believe that you mean me harm. The interpretation of attack is one of the biggest mistakes our egos make in relationships. Surrender acknowledges one’s own shortcomings and other’s, and it either atones or forgives. Its power is in its ability to heal and create peace. We all have the power to surrender; we need only the courage and discernment to practice it and to realize its effectiveness.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
The Power of Surrender © 2007

Bhagavad-Gita
 (from chapter 18)
Give me your whole heart,
Love and adore me,
Worship me always,
Bow to me only,
And you shall find me:
This is my promise
Who love you dearly.

Transform Your Life – Create New Beliefs After Being Violated

David CantuPersonal Growth, Spirituality

I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. ~ Susanna Kaysen, Girl Interrupted

You were violated
 and then blamed yourself and others. You’ve lived with shame, confusion, fear and guilt. You felt powerless and may not have understood the experience. The uncertainty and self loathing has clung to you and you have become your own worst critic. You feel depressed, angry, defeated and inadequate.

Given your experience
it makes sense that your life is as it is and that you feel as you do. Self forgiveness, the first step in your transformation, is the realization that you aren’t to blame for your experience and that you’re right to feel angry. It is a realization of both the appropriateness of your emotions and of the necessity to move on. The next step is forgiveness of those who wronged you; not for their sake but for your own peace. It’s time to release the torment and anguish of your heart. Your past is over; it’s time to embrace a new reality. People are often ignorant of how to live in harmony with others, and their actions cause others great pain. Most often those who hurt you were, in turn, hurt by others in an endless chain and always in ignorance. Decide to break the chain rather than perpetuate thoughts of fear and victimization. Forgiveness is the antidote to hatred and self loathing. Today, replace your shame and anger with wisdom and open your heart to the peace that is you birthright.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
The Transformation of Violation © 2007

Luke 6:37

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

The Freedom of Choice

David CantuSpirituality

Freedom lies in being bold. ~ Robert Frost

As children 
we weren’t able to understand life. Whether it was good or bad, disciplined or chaotic, many of us came to feel trapped and to see life as a conspiracy against us. Now, it doesn’t matter whether we fight, run away or give in; we can’t seem to change things. Others appear to have the luxury of freedom, but it eludes us. Controlling partners, unfulfilling work and inadequate income are among the burdens that overwhelm our sense of freedom.

You’ve imagined your confinement;
you’re free. The pain that you feel is your resistance to a life of your own making. Fighting or pleading doesn’t work because you’ve misidentified your jailer. Your prison is your own mind. Discard the lenses through which you see your life and realize that you’ve created your experience. Freedom is the fact that you can decide what to do with your life. You’re free. Create the joyful life that is your destiny. Be bold today, you deserve it!

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
The Freedom to Choose © 2007

John 8:32

You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.

The Illusion of Danger, See the Truth

David CantuPersonal Growth

The most dangerous thing is illusion. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rarely in life
are we truly in danger. Nevertheless, feelings of anxiety, stress, self doubt, loss and fear frequently intrude in life. Thoughts of danger lurking around corners are a learned response that has calcified into habit. When you were small the world looked big and scary. It may even have been truly unsafe and dangerous for you. But that’s over; the threat of attack that you are now dealing with is in your mind. The evil you dread is your ego’s fear – of being small, oppressed, discounted and over burdened. Your fear is based on the illusion that you’re weak. The truth is that you’re powerful; you need only to realize that truth. Embrace courage and passion. Put your thoughts and energy into these things and the danger will surely vanish – it was never real.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin
The Illusion of Danger © 2007

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Learning to Trust Others and Yourself

David CantuPersonal Growth, Relationships

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. ~ Frank Crane

Trust
 has more to do with self confidence than with the behavior of others. We generally know what to expect from the people in our lives, so how they behave isn’t the real issue. The point we often ignore is that our fear to love, to forgive or to act assertively in life is a much bigger problem than what others might do to us.

Rather than focusing on the shortcomings of others it’s far more valuable to develop strength of character within ourselves. To move from an attitude of mistrust to one of confidence you must know who you are: the one who creates and is responsible for your life.

The more you genuinely accept responsibility for your life, without guilt, shame or self punishment, the more you will trust yourself. You will then be free to trust others because you will have confidence in yourself to make wise choices and to handle the vicissitudes of life.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Trust Yourself to Trust Others © 2007

Tao Te Ching
 (from chapter 33)
Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.

Learn to Listen Better

David CantuRelationships

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view–until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. ~ Harper Lee “To Kill a Mockingbird”

Good communication
requires connection and understanding. To create that, we must not only speak effectively but also listen well. Poor communication begins by focusing single-mindedly on making our point or on being right; we fail to understand the other person. To listen well I should be actively engaged and curious – I must ask questions. We might not agree with one other, but by seeking common ground I make understanding and accord far more likely. I look for what’s going on beneath the surface; I listen not only to the words and thoughts but also to the emotions. I’m considerate of the needs of others as well as my own. Real communication begins when the person I’m speaking with feels acknowledged and understood. By grasping another’s perspective, I create a connection. As a result, I’m more likely to gain trust and to create a reciprocal response; I’m in a better position to express my own thoughts and feelings. In order to be heard I first must listen.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin Texas
Learn to Listen Well © 2007

Matthew 13:16
 (NIV)
But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.

You CAN Change People – Myth?

David CantuRelationships

Be the change you want to see in the world. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

It’s a myth
 that we can’t change others. Within everyone’s soul is a great desire to create, to love and be loved, to relish life. As we embrace this passion we transform ourselves and thereby change others. Our every thought and action is like a fingerprint on the universe, yet more subtle and very powerful. Focus your energy on a happy, fulfilled life and obstacles will arise, but rarely with the intensity you have imagined. Remain steadfast; relentlessly face your fears. You will find joy and unlock a secret to life – within every challenge is a key to greater understanding. Evolving into a creative and abundant being requires rewriting your contracts with life. Each revision brings about an increasing sense of integrity and confidence with which you impact others and expand your circle of influence. We are all here to manifest our spirit; as we do so, we change the people whose lives we touch and the world in which we live.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin
The Change Myth © 2007

Luke 6:42
 (NIV)
…first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to
remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

What is True Personal Power?

David CantuSpirituality

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . ~ Marianne Williamson

True power
 isn’t a one way street; it isn’t about mastering or defeating another. That is self-aggrandizement or hatred. When we attempt to enforce our will on others we breed distrust, fear, and antagonism both within ourselves and others. The need to dominate others is indicative of a feeling of lack within oneself and attests to one’s sense of weakness rather than power.

True Power seeks
 responsibility rather than control because otherwise it degenerates into self-gratification. It encourages and works in cooperation with others. Real power is open, seeks understanding and is willing to yield. This is because one who is aware of his power knows that he has much to give and is not run by fear.

Love has no fear
 and does not attack but understands and forgives; this is power. Ego, on the other hand, is run by fear and selfishness. We move beyond fear to power by nurturing the abundance of our being as we give freely to others. As we do this, we come to realize our beauty and majesty. The source of my power is the light within my being that is in all people. And power is the shining of that light on the world.

David Cantu
Life Coach Austin
What is True Power? © 2007

Matthew 5:14
 (NIV)
“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.”